It is not easy to deal with death. We have all lost someone in our family to death if we have lived very long. Sometimes we are closer to our friends than we are to members of our own family. This has been true for me. I have replaced some of my family members with surrogate family members.
In any relationship we will have some friction. It isn’t always complicated or hard to deal with. It can be something as minor as choosing a place to eat together. It can be as complicated as hating their spouse or one of their children.
When we see our friends making mistakes or doing things that upset us. It is easy to become annoyed or even angry with them. I had a friend that was killing herself with different addictions. If there is someone who needs a friend and is very dysfunctional it is very easy for me to get involved with them. I am a major rescuer. It is something that I have had to work on for years.
My friend was in bad health and I believe it is directly related to her lifestyle. I was angry with her for not taking care of herself. I was even angrier at her for not reciprocating in our relationship. She became very self-centered and full of self-pity. I found myself pulling away from her. This is important to do if you are in a relationship that is not healthy for you.
She died this last week. It was directly related to her pain pill and food addiction. She had a massive heart attack and was on life support for several days. I went to visit her at the hospital and spent a few minutes with her. I told her that she would be free of her unhealthy body and that I loved her.
It is important to allow yourself to grieve for a friend just like you would with a family member. Try not to beat yourself up for not getting sucked into their unhealthy needs in your friendship. Remember the good times and the things about your friend that you liked and loved. Allow yourself to work through the anger, and pain. It is not easy to lose a friend, and it is harder in some ways to grieve over a friend that you had friction with and anger toward.
If it is necessary seek counseling for your feelings regarding your friend that you have lost. At the very least, talk to others about the feelings that you have over the loss of your friend. We can’t be all things to all people especially when they are toxic for us. Spend timing nurturing yourself and with friends that are nurturers. There is a time when we need to let others nurture us when we are hurting.
Try to find a way to honor your friend by saying good-bye to them. It may be as simple as writing a letter to them. You may need to let them know how you feel about the way you were treated. You may just want to let them know about how cheated you feel by their death before there could be any resolution. Maybe there couldn’t be a resolution because maybe they would never have changed. Whatever you need to say you can write and never have to show it to anybody. It will help you heal.