I would like to address those married people out there who read my articles. If you are not married, this article will be good information for the future.
Whether you have just started your life together, have had an average marriage for a number of years, have a “bad” marriage, or even have had an affair, you can build or rebuild your marriage if you learn to:
BECOME AWARE OF EACH OTHER’S NEEDS AND LEARN TO MEET THEM.
That may sound pretty basic, and you may wonder what’s so hard about doing that, but marriage is a complex relationship. Take a look at what it really involves.
When a man and woman marry, they share high expectations. They commit themselves to meeting certain intense and intimate needs in each other on an exclusive basis. Each agrees to “forsake all others”, giving each other the exclusive right to meet these intimate needs. That does not imply that all needs are to be met by a s0pouse, but that there are a few basic needs that most of us strictly reserve for the marriage bond. Most people expect their spouses to meet these special needs, since they have agreed not to allow anyone else to meet them.
The man’s five most basic needs in marriage tend to be:
1) Sexual fulfillment
2) Recreational companionship
3) An attractive spouse
4) Domestic support
The woman’s five most basic needs in marriage tend to be:
3) Honesty and openness
4) Financial support
5) Family commitment
These categories may not apply equally to everyone. Some men and women will look at their respective lists and say, quite honestly, “I don’t share this or that need.”
Sometimes people will see things on the list of the opposite sex that will strike them as more applicable to themselves.
Often the needs of men and women are so different, no wonder they have problems. Often the failure of men and women to meet each others emotional needs is simply due to ignorance of each others needs and not selfish unwillingness to be considerate. Fulfilling those needs does not mean you have to painfully grit your teeth, making the best of something you hate. It means preparing yourself to meet needs you may not appreciate yourself. By learning to understand your spouse as a totally different person than you, you can begin to become an expert in meeting all that person’s emotional needs if you would like to.
Once a spouse lacks fulfillment of any of the five needs, it creates a thirst that must be quenched. If changes do not take lace within the marriage to care for that need, the individual will face the powerful temptation to fill it outside of marriage.
Your needs keep score, and to help you understand how that works, tomorrow’s article will be about “Our love banks” and how they work.
For further information regarding this you can go to: http://www.marriagebuilders.com. Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr. discuss more of this on his website and in his book “His needs, Her needs”
Till next time,