The New York Times has just released information regarding the oil “spill,” or should we say “spew”, in to the Gulf of Mexico. The latest BP plan of brilliance proved to be an ultimate fail as they attempted to put a top hat shaped cap over the leak. Apparently buildups of gases have crystallized within this dome, thus clogging the pipeline and resulting in the continual spew of oil in to the ocean. Sources say that BP is attempting to reconstruct this dome using the bark of many rainforests, elephant tusks, blood diamonds, and aqua net cans in order to save the earth and all of humanity.
As an involved, proud American citizen I have decided to utilize my expensive liberal arts education and offer up a variety of solutions to this problem, while also taking in to account the budget of BP and the US government in order to save tax payers dollars.
1. Employ all illegal immigrants by giving them a ride to the Gulf of Mexico, a colander strainer, and a bucket. In return they can have US citizenship. Cheap labor. It’s the American way.
2. Utilize our nuclear powers in a way that results in several ditches and holes being punctured throughout the Gulf. Then the nukes can tip the earth on the precise angle that will allow for all the oil to gently drift back in to the earth.
3. Call up al Qaeda. Tell them that we are unsatisfied with our purchase and would not only like a complete refund, but we want them to clean it up. From the sounds of it, there are several young men that need something productive and positive to do. Hurry, there’s only a 30 day window for returns.
4. Invent an oil repelling swimsuit for the people of Florida, Alabama, and Mississippi, so they can still enjoy their summer.
5. Build a fence around the spill using the remains of old computers, refrigerators, and Goldman Sachs CEOs and utilize this area as a global toxic waste dump.
6. Cause nuclear winter or take Al Gore’s advice and reverse global warming in order to freeze the Gulf in to a big ice skating rink where leaders of the world can battle out their problems and transform their hate and wars in to a hockey game. The US will sell tickets and make a profit. Then they can give it away to those not in debt from their liberal arts education, but are instead collecting unemployment while they play World of Warcraft.
7. Light the oil on fire and have a big bonfire to build American pride. We can roast wiener dogs made of abused, farm raised animal parts and make smores out of the stock piles of Peeps taking up our warehouses.
8. Find my mother’s magic wand and crystal ball. She lost it a long time ago.