Sometimes I feel really sorry for my daughter. She is the unfortunate soul who has to listen to my bellyaching on any given day. Whether it’s over a temperamental computer (grrrrrr), a renegade cat (times three), my frizzed-out hair (which is supposed to be sleek and shiny) or the number on my scale (which depends entirely on my bad-girl eating the night before), my daughter has to listen to my whining about the pettiest of matters. When she has completely lost all patience with me (again, on any given day), she inevitably interrupts whatever tirade I happen to be in the middle of and barks:
“YOU’RE OVER IT!”
Now this is admittedly pretty funny and those of you with children (especially the teenage kind) will no doubt relate and giggle along with me. But now let’s take that “You’re Over It” attitude into your life right now.
How many times have you been told, “It’s been [fill in the blank] months / years since your husband died. You need to:
“GET OVER IT”
I will pause while you roll your eyes in agreement, because I know that’s exactly what you’re doing right now.
This is a topic of discussion in the book, on the CD and just about everywhere else – because it’s one of the most common laments that I hear. Over and over, you are being told that regardless of how long or how short a period of time has passed since your husband’s death, it’s time for you to be “over it”.
But what happens when…
YOU’RE NOT “OVER IT”?
What happens when you hear these words (over and over and OVER) and inside, you’re thinking, “Well, I’m not over it, so clearly there must be something wrong with me.” You actually begin to think that something is wrong with you, don’t you?
I take great pleasure in letting you know that:
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU
The fact is that the majority of people who are telling you to “get over it” are saying this because it’s easier for THEM if you “get over it”. It is easier for THEM if you hurry through your healing processes because they don’t want to deal with it anymore. Most of all, they are uncomfortable with the “widow(er)” part of the deal. They want the person that you were “before”; the person that you were when you were Mr. & Mrs. One-Half-of-the-Two-of-You…because it’s easier for them.
Here is some news that you can share with every single person who tells you that you should be “over it”.
YOU WILL NEVER BE “OVER IT”
Now, if a significant time has passed since your husband’s death and you feel seriously compromised in your recovery; if you are unable to function in every day life (at work and / or at home); if you either are or feel as though you want to cope in a destructive manner, you should immediately seek professional help and / or medical attention – there is a lot of both out there and you don’t have to suffer alone. However, you must also accept that you will never be “over” the event that was losing your husband. It changes your life forever. You can move forward from it, but you will never be “over it”…and you may let people know that fact in that very way.
I had been just over a year on my own healing journey when my mother gave me some very sage advice – advice that I follow to this day. She told me to stop and look back at how far I had progressed since that awful season in time that I lost my husband. When I actually stopped and examined how far I had progressed to that point (and have progressed since that time many years ago), I started worrying less about being “over it” and started appreciating the healing that I had accomplished instead.
Quit worrying about being “over it” and / or about the people who are telling you that you should be “over it”. Accept that you are not going to be “over it”; that you are instead going to move forward from it; that you are going to do it your way and that you are also going to take a periodic pause to stop, look back and see just how far you have come since you lost your husband – whether it was ten minutes, ten months or ten years ago.
NEVER STOP LISTENING TO YOU!
You are the one in the “driver’s seat”. You are in charge of this very important and intensely personal part of your healing journey. Take charge, take control, take over – because your life belongs to YOU!
Have you ever been told to “get over it” by someone? How did it make you feel? How did you handle it? Share your experiences in the “Comments” section below.