I know some will not agree. However, again I say change is not comfortable. The Bible says speak things as though they were. What I believe is what I will receive, no matter how long it takes. I grew up with a father in my life who was not living in the house but he was always a phone call away. He was my superhero, he was who I called when “mom got on my nerves (as if she could).” If someone was messing with me at school he was dropping me off to make sure they knew I had a dad and he was not having it. I could say “I needed shoes” and $100.00 bill would sit in my hands whether through Western Union or a car pulling up at my home. He knew he was the provider, he understood his role.
I never needed to ask “to go school shopping” because he knew that was his “me time” that was our time. I flew in a plane every summer to his beautiful home for my summer vacations and we would go to Disney, beaches or Great Adventures with my step mother not my dad. She loved me because she had a good relationship with my mom. My dad was always working. However, they set aside their selves and cared enough to make sure I was the priority. My mom would always say, “when your dad and I were together it was good but when it was time to go we departed, but what was between us was between us. Our end had nothing to do with you. Our life moving forward has everything to do with you.”
My mom and step mom and dad were the reason that was possible. Mom made sure she only spoke good things about my father. I never knew he had bad habits, my dad was the creator of dads in my mind. Everything in life takes effort and I am grateful for my mother who chose to set aside her hurt feelings to make sure my father took part in my life. He was not always easy to keep up with as we lost touch in 1988 (mom was tired and remarried) and I reunited with him in 1998. “My daddy was a rolling stone.” However, I am grateful for the time we had together, there are no regrets. I love my daddy for the time he was there until I was 15 years old so it doesn’t hurt so much. I will not waste anytime blaming my parents for I know they gave me what they could, but it was because my mom made sure of it. He had a disconnect because of his relationship with his father and he felt being the provider was what made a dad. He did not know how to connect with his children except through giving us money and providing. So I am excited my husband actually has a connection with my children they truly love each other. We tend to give our children what we did not have. Yet I don’t blame my dad, he did the best he could.
I believe mom was always hurt that her mother hid her fathers letters and kept them apart. So her huge contribution in my life was to be sure I would know who my father was. She made sure I had a positive image in my mind, for that is the battlefield…… that is what will matter, that is what your child will use in their own life to make decisions.
Each generation must fight some kind of generational curse. My grandfather was not a good provider and when my dad became the great provider first by owning a gas station his father resented him. He would spend so much money on my grandmother that my mom said “my grandpa literally despised my dad.” He was not the man my father was, but he should have been proud he raised a son who eventually created a 6 figure income and could rise to the occasion. Instead he wasted time hating his son for producing. God made it up to Grandma by blessing her with successful sons. Momma said Daddy’s brother is Wal-Mart in the West Indies, but grandpa did not get to enjoy it. We choose how our relationships will go by the energy we send out and the message they receive.
Everyone loved my dad because they would call him “Santa Claus.” He was a business owner and an honored West Indian man who would go home and give back to his people.
I have chosen to take one more step for the next generation. My husband and I have not always agreed in life but we set aside our differences and we worked it out. I chose that the energy my mother expended staying in touch with my father, could better be used by working on my relationship, loving the father of my children and building a life with my husband. She did not have that choice because her situation was abusive but with her first husband she had that choice and I know she always regretted not making it work. She wasted many years with abusive men and in hindsight, I know although my dad was “her one true love” her first love was the most practical and sensible.
We attract what we want in others. I have spent many years fighting what I was taught that men were undependable. I am now working on my “stinking thinking” and working on believing only. I believe that my Boaz lies within my husband and he knows that he will either become the man of God he was called to be or my Boaz will some day come. He also knows I am completely loyal. I know that I will either become the Proverbs 31 woman God created me to be or his Proverbs 31 woman will come.
The point is we have to stop hardening our hearts and realize that everything that happens to our men is not always their fault, generational history or curses they must fight, racism they must fight. They have a lot coming against them and yes they are responsible for their choices but we too are responsible for our choices as women. We must speak life into our situations and be who we want to be for ourselves and for our children.
So let us start this Fathers Day anew let us all try to be the people we want our children to remember, let us be civil towards one another and honor the father in your life. Whether it is your husband, “your baby daddy” (set aside the anger for your children for one day and maybe it will turn into many more good days), your uncle or your friends. God has sent someone in your life to be there for you. Appreciate them even if you can not appreciate their father but honor them and you will receive love in return. It may not come from that man, it may come from your son becoming a better man and loving his children the way he should. But God sees and he knows and your reward will come if you honor him despite what he may otherwise deserve! HAPPY FATHERS DAY TO ALL THE FATHERS!
© 2010 Denise Loundes-Russell