Wow. What a fabulously horrible news day, huh? It’s all Lindsay “Stoopid Head” Lohan all the time!
I actually waited til 3pm to write this hoping that SOMETHING ELSE would go on in the world. But nope. So I have to devote most of this post to THAT crackadoo.
So here’s going on besides that Lohan girl who hasn’t been in a hit movie in SEVEN YEARS. Seven. Years. Not months. YEARS. And she’s all over the place. Ugh.
1. Janet Jackson gets a haircut.
-Yep just went ahead and chopped it off. So now she looks like the Lesbian Jackson. Well, could be worse, her brother Jermaine looks like a pan of burned brownies. Think about it for a second before you get offended. …See? He totally does!
2. American Idol Has Obvious Results Show Last Night
– Yep Casey “Cooter” James got sent back to Tumbleweed Texas. Duh. Double Duh. Triple Duh…Quad–
Oh never mind, you know. So now the final will have Weezenishia and Crystal Boxorocks. Super.
3. Conan O’Brien brought his dog and pony show to the Chi.
-Yep, unfortunately no review from me. I didn’t go, since well, I get paid to watch riveting television like American Freaking Idol. So here’s a review from an actual journalist who went to the actual show. No special surprise guests. Brian Urlacher showed up and wondered why he was there. Someone said there’d be a table of cold cuts, and he decided to come, I guess.
4. In hilarious actual headline of the day…
– The Backstreet Boys, now staring down 40, are headlining the SF Pride do-hickey thing for Les Gays in San Fransisco. Insert ironical joke about Backstreet Boys and the word “Gay” in the same sentence here _____. Now be ashamed of yourself for your intolerant 8th grade humor. Nick Carter only looks gay. It’s never been confirmed.
5. And finally… Lindsay “I heart blow” Lohan.
– This girl just needs to be slapped. And not in a way she would enjoy. Dummy. So I’m sure you read the TMZ and know by now smartypants missed her court date this morning, and photos hit he news that instead of hitchhiking back to LA or something she sent a lame email begging for someone’s private jet, and went out to part in her underwear the rest of the night. Yup. So here’s some funfacts about that whole clustertruck…
– She can’t get back in the USA with an active warrant. Whoopsie! Oops! Oh and she’s got a $100k bond. Going to be kind of hard to post that since she’s like $70k behind on rent since Freaky Friday residuals just aren’t what she thought they would be. And the Dollar/Euro exchange on crack is BRUTAL.
– The judge shot laser beams out of her eyes, and disemboweled Lindsay’s lawyer. Turns out, Loca never reported the passport stolen, and since Her Honor’s husband is…get this… a TRAVEL EXPERT… she called supreme BS on Lindsay not getting a temporary passport to get back to the states on time. Uh-oh..no es bueno! And the judge was totally punking on the fact that Lindsay has no reason to be in Cannes except for booze and blow. Nice.
– The states attorney wants to see a plane ticket to prove she had every intention of being there before the ‘Passport Gremlin” ate Lindsay’s papers. Oh LAWD.
– And if Duzzlebutt finds 100gs to get out of the clink, she’s gotta put that ankle bracelet she got drunk and high on before back on. And drop for the po-po every week for drugs.
So who’s taking bets Lindsay pulls a Polanski and just stays in Europe?
Anyway, that just made my head hurt. Girlfriend needs to sit her heinie in a cell. It works. Consequences work. As Robert Downey Jr.